“Family, friends, others that knew him. We are gathered here today to celebra- mourn the death of Heaton Pyre. A good man who was loved by many and who loved all in return. Indeed, it was mentioned in his eulogy that he had a blazing personality and that he lit up a room every time he walked in. So, it came as a shock to us all when he was tragically struck by lightning. The lightning created a spark which ignited his clothing, just like he had ignited a flame in all of our hearts. As the thunder rolled he slowly burned, partly turning to ash while other parts of him melted as he was licked by flames. His friends and the men of the local firestation have said it was a fitting end, being ignited in such a way as it reminded them of the houses Heaton had set ablaze, the very same houses that had him sent to court on charges of arson. It is said that his death suited the nickname that his friends lovingly called him which was ‘Firestarter, Twisted Firestarter’. Now we shall cremate the last of his charred remains to the tune of Tina Turner’s ‘Disco Inferno’ and as the song says, we also say to Heaton ‘burn baby burn’.”

“Thank you all for coming to wish Heaton safe passage on his way to meet God in Heaven or as some have suggested to meet the Devil in Hell as he may prefer it there because of all the flames. Now, I understand that the family will be going to the local public house, as will I if anyone wishes to speak with me there. If you do wish to speak to me then I shall be happy to greet you in a less stilted manner than I am currently speaking in. Apparently, the plan was to have Heaton’s favourite cocktail, the Molotov but after finding out how to make it, it was agreed that partaking of our own favourite drinks may be more appropriate as a way of respecting Heaton’s memory. We shall now exit the funeral parlour to the tune of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown’s ‘Fire’ and think of Heaton fondly, may he rest in peace, or in burning agony if that is what he wishes forever and ever amen.”

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